i have a lot of questions

Hey friends! 

I’ve been sitting a lot in the thought of “maybe I don’t know, and maybe that’s okay”. I posted on Facebook a couple of weeks ago about a quote I came across that talked about the idea of not fully understanding God, and how that’s actually a really beautiful thing. Below the surface of that post was a lot of doubt. A lot of questions about God that I’ve been wrestling with for a while now – but have seemed to surface a little more this month in Guatemala. It’s funny that I’m on the world race, doing ministry, and the majority of my thoughts are actually questioning God. To some that might seem a little vulnerable and intense, but at least it’s real. I haven’t wrote in a while just because I don’t completely feel like I’ve come to some big revelation through this yet, or have any solid answers yet, and so writing about it has felt a little bit intimidating. But what I’m really learning is that not knowing things is okay.  

I tend to get really frustrated when I can’t figure things out. I hate conflict. I hate internal conflict within myself even more. If I feel off about something, I will do (sometimes even subconsciously) everything I can to fix it. I read a lot of books to find answers. I ask people a lot of questions in hopes to gain wisdom/information so that I have something to hold onto. I’ve been learning the importance lately of seeking clarity with other people so that my assumptions and uncertainty within relationships doesn’t turn into anxiety with trying to figure other people’s motives out. While a lot of this can be really healthy and I think a big strength that I have, it also can be really frustrating when situations arise in which I can’t do anything about. Or things that I don’t have the ability to completely comprehend: such as – God.  

Wow. I have so many questions about God. I’ve grown up in the church. I know how to be a Christian. I know all the right things to say and I know the concepts of God like the back of my hand. But at what point will it become real to me? I’ve spent a lot of time trying to prove God to myself. I want evidence. I want proof that this is real. Sometimes bible stories and biblical concepts feel like fairytales – they just aren’t doing it for me anymore. They’re all things I’ve known forever. 

What I’m learning right now is that 1 – these questions are good. I feel confident that asking these questions and diving into them are going to produce another level of maturity to my faith. I’m not scared to ask them. BUT it can be really frustrating. When I can’t figure things out, it’s annoying. I’m not scared to ask the questions but I like to find the answers asap. Haha. So what do I do when maybe finding answers isn’t as easy as it’s always been? 

I have started diving more into some different resources that people in my current community have given me to help dive deeper into these questions and one of the things I’ve learned is that instead of viewing “not knowing something” as frustrating, I should view it as absolutely liberating. I cannot wait for the day that The Lord reveals to me the answers to my questions. I have a feeling it’s not going to be in any way that I’m expecting… 

“We don’t have the answers to everything and thats actually liberating – not frustrating.” – Marty Solomon 

Coming from a western background, I’m really prone to want to prove things. It’s the perspective that I’ve grown up learning. But, what if knowing God isn’t something that I learn… it’s something that I have to intimately experience. And wow, that takes the pressure off. It’s not all on me to figure God out. It’s experience. It’s living life with eyes wide open. It anxiously awaiting The Lord and being ready to experience Him. So I’m going to keep pressing in. I’m going to keep asking the questions and relaxing in the fact that maybe I don’t know, and maybe that’s okay. God’s timing in revealing Himself is so perfect. 

I don’t know if I’ve worded this perfectly or if I’ve perfectly got my point across, but I think there’s some grace for that. It’s no joke that a lot of us have questions, and that’s okay. My heart is curious. My spirit is open. And the Lord is close. 

Guatemala has been such a sweet time. I’m loving our ministry and the work that we get to do with our hosts. Lots of homework help, youth group, and worship. We have about a month left and then we head to Honduras! 

Thanks for all your support and love 🙂 

Heather