So yesterday as I was trying my hand at summing up my 22nd year of life, the word that came to mind was "deep". As cheesy and cliche as that may sound, it resonates. When I think of this year, I think of so many minutes, hours, days, and weeks and months that have forced me to go deeper. Deeper into knowing myself. Deeper into relying on other people. Deeper into vulnerability. Deeper into some unknowns. And ultimately deeper into truly relying on the promises of God. 

 

And it's left me longing to know God deeper. 

 

Flashback to last November when I turned 22. I was knee deep in a mental battle that had been going on in my head for years. It robbed me on the daily but it forced me into vulnerability. I learned what it meant to do the work of healing - and that meant sharing. Calling a friend when I didn't want to. Asking my mom for prayer when I'd rather just not. Going for coffee with mentors so they could gently remind me that I'm okay. Time after time after time of doing this, letting people in, and doing the work, I began to find freedom. I'll never forget the day that I decided to call a friend of mine who I knew had wrestled with similar things as I, and she sent me a video. A video with a speaker who touched on all of the questions that I had been wrestling with for years. A video that made sense to me and set me free through giving me a wider perspective on God's truth. Was it not for the decision to call that friend..... 

 

A few months later I committed to the World Race. Because of that decision I switched jobs in order to financially prepare a little better to be gone for a year. I also, out of nowhere, found myself struggling with anxiety and anxiety attacks. Then Covid. Then quarantine. This is when I feel as if I was forced to learn to go deeper with myself. I've learned to know my brain and know how to handle the reality of my own mental health. It's been a whirlwind but here I am. Slowly peaking out on the other side of that mountain, a better person for it. 

 

Through it all I've come to know that God is so much deeper than the Christian cliches that have been my foundation for all my life. I was with a friend last night and we were talking about this concept - how we both feel like we're currently in the middle. We're somewhere in between having grown up in a Christian home, knowing all the truth about God, and really knowing God. It's a weird tension to be sitting in but all the more exciting. Why do I actually believe in God? Would I still believe in God if I didn't grow up in a Christian family? I want to know that. 

 

I've tasted and seen just a bit of this God in this past season. He's becoming real to me. I feel like I don't have the words to describe the depth that I've been to with God in this past season of searching, but when he touches the deepest parts of you, you know. My favorite song right now is "The Comforter Has Come" by SEU Worship and it says "Into your heart. Into the deepest parts, the Comforter has come". I feel that. It's so much more than I ever could have imagined and I want more. 

 

So, there's a snapshot of some of my thoughts. I wish I could elaborate better and deeper (haha) but this is what I have for now. Some honest thoughts that aren't perfect but they're real. I can't wait to see what 23 brings! 

 

Thank you everyone for following along with my journey! I'm just 49 days away from launching on the World Race and I CANNOT WAIT!! Thank you for all your thoughts and support. I couldn't be doing this journey without you all. 

 

So much love,

Heather