loved

How ironic that today is Valentine’s Day and the words I have on my heart to share are all about love. Wooohoooo thanks Jesus for fun little things like that!! 

I’ve done my fair share of processing through a lot of my own insecurities this past month, and something I’ve realized is that I often feel really misunderstood. I tend to have 2 really opposite sides to my personality – 1 being a really grounded, deep, calm, sensitive Heather. The other being an extremely dramatic, sarcastic, outspoken, not deep in the slightest Heather. I remember telling a friend of mine a few years ago, “I can’t decide if I want to be a really sweet girl or a really sassy girl.” (hahahaha but really) She said “you can’t be both?” I’ve since been on a journey of considering what that means for me as I’ve grown more into who I am. But if I’m being honest, I often feel really lost in translation somewhere in between the 2. People don’t know how to take me. If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told that I’m such an “interesting” person…. Although I know that my assumptions about other people’s views are not rooted in any sort of truth, it’s placed something inside me that finds it hard to feel fully known, which ultimately makes it hard to feel really deeply loved.

Without going into a ton of detail, this space this past month has been really healing in the sense that I’ve somehow felt the freedom to be both sweet, calm and collected when necessary and dramatic, fun and energetic too. It’s been a safe place for that. My teammates have played such a huge part in hearing me out when it comes to this insecure part of my heart and speaking life into who I truly am. They’ve seen things in me that go past the surface. They’ve looked me straight in the eyes and told me the truth about who I am when lies and assumptions have felt loud. They’ve pushed past the “interesting” part of me and have sought to truly know me. 

My teammate Cait wrote a blog the other day describing each one of us by using 5 words. When I read through what she wrote about me, I think I wanted to sob. The 5 words she used felt so real. They felt thought out. They pushed past the surface and described me from so many different angles. I haven’t felt so understood in such a long time. 

Advocate, intuitive, valued, authentic, hilarious. 

Kind of going along with this, this last week I’ve had the song Pieces by Bethel Music on repeat. I’ve gone in and out of seasons with this song, but it’s been hitting a cord in my heart again here lately. The song talks about how The Lord’s love doesn’t come in pieces. It’s full. It’s complete. It’s solid through and through. The phrase that had stood out to me the most this time around is “Your love’s not broken. It’s not insecure.” 

It’s not broken. It’s not insecure. A lot of learning how to be human is learning how to navigate broken love. This could be a whole other blog post, but to put it simply I’ve been finding so much comfort in knowing that The Lords love isn’t broken. And it’s not insecure. I hope that you can find some comfort in that too – whatever it looks like for you. 

Happy Valentines Day friends. You are loved.